”Al-Gebra terrorists have weapons of math instruction!”

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor and a calculator. At a morning press conference, general John Ashcroft said he believes the man to be a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y', and refer to themselves as 'unknowns'. We have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

When asked to comment on the arrest, president Bush said:
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."